Catch and Release

Eager Beaver,

I have a friend who dated a man for a month that she met online. And for that month he chased her with everything he had. In this friend's case that meant talking about his spiritual growth, listening to her psychic dreams, writing her detailed emails of his emotional journey and hopes for finding a soul mate, etc. Stuff that makes me gag (mostly because it always seems suspicious to me) but is a total turn-on to my friend. She was head-over-heels for this guy, said she had found her "ethnic-hippie" soul mate. I was genuinely happy for her. Yay, someone had finally found their perfect match! That means there's hope for everyone! Yay, yay, yay! Until...he'd had what he wanted a few times and then suddenly he needed to "find himself" (at 57?) and he needed his "freedom" (after four weeks?). OMG. I'm getting so tired of men. It's seems so depressing and hopeless. How can you trust a one of them? We go into these things with our guards up and so they tell us what we need to hear and our walls begin to crumble and we let them in, ALL the way in, and then, presto change-o, they're gone! It seems every single one of them (from 17 - 70) is all about the hunt and using whatever it will take to land the woman who's in their bullseye and then they take us down, skin us emotionally and leave the carcass. Disgusting analogy I know but doesn't it feel like the truth?
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,

I completely feel for your friend. It seems like everyone I know has had these same sort of experiences with men. It's like seriously, is this where 2011 is headed?!? Even in the past few weeks I've had a couple of friends dealing with this issue. It's happened to me TWICE in the last year, and it's like WHAT THE FUCK! Remember Mr. Mixed Messages? We went through this multiple times in the eight months that we were dating. He pursued me and sent emails and text messages about how he was falling in love with me and never felt about anyone the way that he felt about me. And then suddenly I would open up and reveal my feelings and he would just VANISH and tell me that I was coming on to strong. We had a horrible ending to our time together... He just stopped talking to me and left the country two weeks after the last time we spoke. Who do they think they are?! I am getting to the point where I wonder why we even bother. They just hurt us and break our hearts. I just don't even know if there are any good ones left. I really don't.
-Sad and Depressed Eager Beaver

Please Don't Make the Porn Face!

Eager Beaver,

I hate porn for what it's done to men and how they think sex is supposed to be or at least how it's supposed to look. Last year I went out with a guy who was super nice, good father, great job, nice home, etc. After a couple of weeks of dating we got intimate and when it got time for the big show, that's what I got, a big show. He made the creepiest, stupidest porn faces! Pursing his lips, thrusting his chin out and moaning "Ohhhh baby, ohhhh". Who does that? Absolutely killed the mood for me. Dried up like a car wash sponge left in the Arizona sun. What the hell? What is wrong with men? Stay off the porn! Porn sex is the trailer park of sex. You're making sex un-fun and un-sexy for women! We think you look and sound like idiots! Those people are "ACTING"!!! Acting like they like having group sex, anal sex, sex with super ugly men, etc. Most of the porn stars suffered abuse in their childhoods. They are damaged people with low self-esteem who need to simulate sex for love because they have NO self-love. It's craziness! Stop! Don't look at it for a day, then two days, then a week and come back to earth. Connect with a real woman with real emotions and feel her real body, not some plastic lips and boobs, and rediscover what sex means when you have a real connection with the other person. It is amazing and mind-blowing and soul-stirring! A thousand times better than soul-less porn sex could ever be.

Have any of the guys you've been with turned you off with their bedroom antics?
-Hot Mama



Hot Mama,

This made me laugh out loud. Probably because it's sad because it's so freaking true. It's like, "WHAT THE HELL?!" You're so right... sometimes I just want to tell a guy that I'm with, "STOP making that face, no one is watching you." I've had the unfortunate experience of being with men exactly like you are describing, making faces and noises out of some low-budget poorly cast porno. Whoever told them that this is what women want should be shot for leading them astray. We want men who are focused completely on us and making sure that we are enjoying ourselves. I don't want to worry about the faces I'm making or the sounds that I am making while I'm doing the mattress mambo, and if I'm with a guy who is worried about that, then it takes all of the enjoyment out of it. We are really people... it's supposed to be fun. It's for no one else, except for the parties involved. Maybe we should put out some "anti-porn" videos to help these poor men out!
-Eager Beaver

Spreading My Wings...

Hot Mama,

I recently got a promotion at work (yay being the Eager Beaver finally paid off!) Anyways, I had to fly across the country for work in Boston. I was so excited to come somewhere that I wasn't very familiar with. Normally when I travel I have the comfort of being with a co-worker or clients, but when I arrived today I was on my own. As part of the new me, I decided to do something that I've never done before. My friend is from here, so I asked him for some recommendations of places to go. I love exploring new places and find myself to be pretty independent. However, there are two things that I have NEVER done by myself: go to a movie alone or eat a nice meal by myself. I proceeded to drive into downtown and walk around and enjoy exploring a new city. Then, I picked the nicest restaraunt around and went in and sat down. I ordered a nice glass of wine and a delicious Italian dinner. Then I sat and enjoyed just being by myself...

It was weird at first, but then it felt kind of nice. I enjoyed my food and wine and was able to relax all by myself. I feel like I am becoming such a WOMAN and such a grown up. And of course while I was sitting there after a while I met a nice guy to entertain me... Maybe I will have to start going out on my own more often!
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

I'm proud of you and your attitude towards your new adventures! I will keep it in mind as I try to make it to Vail where the passes are snowed in with avalanches. Hooray! I'll keep you posted as to whether or not I'm as bold as you! Happy Trails!
-Hot Mama

"Those are Fighting Words..."

Hot Mama,

I'm sure that you have either watched or heard things about, "The Jersey Shore." It's not something that I am proud of, but I'm pretty sure that I have seen almost every episode. Last night, Best and I were watching the newest episode of the show. Yes, it was a Saturday night, and yes we were home on the couch eating FroYo and watching the Shore. But anyways, beside that, we were watching the show which is so notorious for fights.

Especially for girl fights!! So there is this couple on the show Sammi "Sweetheart" and Ronnie. They are a horrible couple, and he's cheated on her, and they always fight with each other and say HORRIBLE things to each other. Well anyways, another one of the female roommates gets upset because Sammi is laughing at her for no reason... The roommate gets really upset and calls Sammi the C-word, and keeps calling her it over and over again, along with a lot of other not so nice words. She goes into the living room and is screaming at all the other roommates about how Sammi is a bitch, blah blah blah. Well it takes a few minutes, but finally Ronnie runs into the room, and I think he's coming in to defend his girlfriend... and tell the new roommate that she can't call his girlfriend those things. BUT NO... He comes in and says, "Don't come into my house and say shit like that, this is my fucking house. Don't drag me into your drama. If you have a problem with my girlfriend, you can deal with it with her..." Or something along those lines. REALLY... it's fine that she says those things to your girlfriend, but you just don't want to be a part of it?!? Like seriously... you are such a slimeball and a shitty boyfriend. Chivalry is clearly dead. Not that I expect it from "Jersey Shore," but still... makes me sick.
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

Saw the episode. Enough said about my Saturday nights. My thoughts exactly. WTF? Your girlfriend is being abusively, verbally dragged through the muck (pretty much she is a bitch but that's besides the point) and your biggest concern is for YOURSELF? What? What on God's green earth happened to men who defend their women and aren't so concerned with their beauty sleep? Look, Sammi aint no saint but even she deserves a boyfriend better that that. Seriously Sammi pull your head out of your ass, or up off his dick and take a look at the schmuck you're blowing. He's not worth it. Maybe you wouldn't be such a bitch if you were actually in a good mutually-respectful, caring relationship. Go figure
-Hot Mama

Does this ACTUALLY work??

Hot Mama,

So I've left my match.com profile up, even though I haven't been using it very much or responding to very many emails or anything. I just got burnt out of the same old guys, emailing the same old thing. Normally, I attract guys between 25 and 35, a pretty safe age range for me. However, with it being a new year, I thought I would check in on my profile and see if there was anything good going on. And I've gotten a lot of emails recently, one from a 46 year old man. YES, FORTY-SIX. You seriously think that it is okay for you to be emailing me right now??? I've cut some of the email for your amusement...



Hello...
My name is Kenny. What can I say? I saw your photo and I think you're gorgeous, for starters. I'd like to meet you; I wish I was about 10 years younger. I'm not by any means "old" yet, though..lol. I'm kind of a biker from way back; love the hotrods, but I still have some Armani hangin' in the closet and I like clean. Sold the bike in my profile pictures before I left Florida; Haven't bought another yet. I smoke on occasion but I am quitting. Lost my brother in '87, Dad in '95, Step Dad in '96. Mom's remarried; travels the world but broke her hip 6-8 mos. ago; kind what brought me out here. Also starting over. And that is quite enough said about me. Now I want to know EVERYTHING about you.. I would Love to hear from you, Sweetheart.
I'll understand if you don't respond, though.
Hope you are well,
Kenny

Did you seriously just call me "Sweetheart" in your email to me? Like as if you aren't already old enough to be my father, you have the nerve to call me Sweetheart?! I would just be so curious to know if emails and lines like these ever actually work on women. Because, it is definitely not attracting me or turning me on... not even a little bit! I don't know what I am really expecting from the online dating world, and I know you and I have both had mixed experiences. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just remove my profile all together...
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

OMG! What a freakin' idiot! Really, right now? Like he can't find someone 10 years older or younger than him to "hit" on, if that pathetic freakin' message can be called "hitting" on? I want to barf. It gags me. Newsflash Kenny: that email wouldn't work on a 65 year old! Who wants a chronological list of people from 23 years ago that have died in your life? WTF? What is that supposed to mean even? And, really, do you think a 24 year old gorgeous girl wants to hear that your mother BROKE HER HIP? Classic old person move? Does he need you to nurse her back to health? Oh my God, I can't even stand it, it's soooooooo stupid on so many levels. That being said; you have to stay on for our own amusement and amazement!
-Hot Mama

New Years Resolution: More Good Lovin'

Hot Mama,

I have decided on my New Years Resolution... Instead of the typical I want to lose 10 lbs or go to the gym more or get healthy or whatever, I have decided that what I really want to work on this year is having more good sex. No, I don't have a serious boyfriend. And I don't even think that that is really even my goal. I am also not just into casual sex either, or a lot of random one night stands. I feel like I need something somewhere right in the middle. A happy medium of sorts. We get so wrapped up in meeting guys and finding the "one." But, I don't think that I'm ready for that right now. I don't need someone to be there all the time or someone who wants to get super serious. Still, I am ready to have my needs met by a guy in 2011... Maybe I should start taking applications right now?? I want someone who I can go out to dinner with, but who is also ready to get down and dirty, whenever I want. I am tired of the infrequency, and trying so hard to please guys like Mr. Mixed Messages, who are so hot and cold. I need a real man, who can take care of me, especially in a physical sort of way! I am so tired of these guys who only care about pleasing themselves. They only want to have sex when they are in the mood, and don't take the time to take care of me when I want. Why do they all think that they are God's gift to women?! Seriously, you are NOT that great. And somehow we put up with them again and again... It isn't all that we deserve. We deserve SO MUCH MORE. So that is my goal in 2011. Yes, I still want to eat healthier and workout more, blah blah blah. But I think that my resolution will definitely be more fun. I am going to stop putting up with guys who are only subpar on the relationship and the bedroom front. I want stellar in both, and I am going to stop accepting less. And you are going to be my sanity-checker. If I start to slip back into my old ways, you have to snap me out of it and remind me of my 2011 resolution. I think that maybe you should go after the same thing. 2011 needs to be our best year yet, in and out of the bedroom!
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

Ok. I only read two sentences but I'm in. Great resolution. No, AWESOME RESOLUTION. Consider youself snapped. And please snap me back in line if I start to slip on this one as well. Here's to more sex, not just sex, GREAT F'IN AMAZING, MIND BLOWING sex! Ok, now how do we get started on this resolution again?
-Hot Mama

Oh Hot Mama, I will let you know when I find out!!

What Are You Doing New Years Eve?

Hot Mama,

I can't possibly be the only person out there to absolutely HATE New Year's Eve. It seems like there is just so much pressure that surrounds the holiday, when in actuality, it is just another day. Why do we have to make such a big deal about it?? It's almost as bad as Valentine's day! If you are seeing someone, then there is all this pressure and question over what you are going to do and how you are going to make it special. Are you going to go out to a special dinner? Or are you just going to spend time together alone? Or are you going to go to a club with a bunch of your friends? And, it's even worse if you are alone. You go out with your friends, and are surrounded by happy couples, kissing and toasting and ringing in the new year. You try to pretend like it doesn't bother you, and like you are happy for all of those other happy couples. When really, inside your head you are screaming, GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

And movies and television shows make it even worse, with all of the hype that surrounds NYE. I've told you more than once, how much I LOVE, "When Harry Met Sally." And it is one of the most quintessential scenes of any movie ever. When Harry comes to see Sally right before the big countdown, and tells her that he can't live without her.


"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." And every single time I watch the movie, I hope that maybe someday I will have a New Years Eve that is half that romantic. And they just never are. It seems like I am always alone, and someone always gets sick, or drinks too much, or wants to go home early. Is it just me?? Do you hate New Years Eve as much as I do? Or do you have some ultra-romantic story to inspire hope within me?
-Eager Beaver

Eager Beaver,

Well, actually last year I had plans for the first time in a long time; ringing in 2010 at El Gaucho in Seattle. And, amazingly, I met someone! Someone who graduated from a high school that mine competed with, so we had lots in common, also went to the UW like I did, just had many similarities. Couldn't believe my good luck, especially since the MARRIED COUPLE group I was with, and one other single friend, were ready to leave at 11:30!! What? He kissed me at Midnight, hooray, and came back to my friend's condo with all of us, and his friends too, and we stayed up until 3:00. Very fun. Then we saw each other a couple of more times before I had to leave. I had a great romantic weekend, we talked for the week after that trying to figure out when we could see other again, both of us have jobs and kids, and it just didn't work out.


Typically though, have had no plans for fun the last eight years. This New Year's being a little worse than others. Had four friends die in 16 days. Awful, awful, awful. My teenage kids had plans. I sat at home in the dark and cried on the phone with my mother about my friends. About 9 pm I was finally ready to try to escape my grief a little by watching a movie when...my DVD player died. Most horrible, lonely New Year's ever.


I agree, the build-up surrounding New Year's is just as horrible as Valentine's Day. In some ways worse because you're really looking for a sign that you'll somehow have a magical new beginning when in reality it's just a day, a day we made up when man created the calendar. So it has no actual meaning anymore than Valentine's Day does, the Russian and Chinese celebrate a totally different day. It's really weird when you think about it. It's completely fabricated and self-created pressure. F' it. All we've got is today and my friends don't even have that. Each day should be a new beginning...so Happy New Year Eager Beaver. I love you!
-Hot Mama