Divorce Is Not A Car...

Eager Beaver,

The recent spate of announcements about couples with children breaking up, David Arquette and Courtney Cox, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, has resurfaced a piece of wisdom that I would so like to be on Oprah on for in order to share with divorcing couples (normal divorcing couples not one's in which addictions or abuse are involved). People tout divorce as being this "thing" that it is horrible for children, that it will leave scars for life, they'll never have a good relationship of their own, etc. I'm here to tell you: DIVORCE IS NOT A THING. It cannot run over your children like a car. You, meaning you and your spouse, are the ARCHITECTS of your divorce just as you were of your marriage.

Divorce is certainly not a wished for or hoped for or ideal outcome but you do have all the power and control over how it will affect your children. What damages children is not "divorce" but how the parents behave during the divorce. Demeaning or belittling the parent in front of the child, standing far apart at games, only being able to drop off and pick up from the "safety" of your car, bad mouthing the new boyfriend or girlfriend, fighting about money, rigidly holding to parenting time instead of doing what works best for the child. I know some people are saying "but it's his fault, he started it, he won't blah blah, he always blah blah" all I'm asking for is one person in the relationship to rise above the fray and stop worrying about their own hurt feelings and start thinking about their children's feelings. It is hard for them. They are no longer living with both their parents, they may have new adults in their life, they may have to move, so YOU need to do whatever you can to alleviate the hurt and confusion for them and that starts with having a good relationship with your ex in which you BOTH agree to put their needs before yours. My ex and I spent every holiday (including Mother's and Father's Day) and birthdays (including his and mine) together in order to give the kid's a continued sense of family.

Last Christmas was the first one we hadn't spent together in seven years and that's because my ex got remarried, to a lovely woman, who is good to my children, who is actually an advocate for them at their father's house. I have spoken of her highly to the kids, my friends, my mother, etc. This is a woman who, should I die, will become the major female influence in their lives. I want them to love her and I want her to love them, and she does and they do. As a mother, it is all and more than I could ever ask for. Please, please don't just "say" (like David Arquette has) that you're putting your child's needs first REALLY do it. You REALLY are the architects of your divorce and hold your children's experience of divorce in your hands. Handle with care.
-Hot Mama

Hot Mama,
You are so right! Divorce is NOT a car. You already know from my last post exactly how I feel about David Arquette, especially now that he has come out and apologized for the comments that he has already made in the media. Really, is he trying to advance his career by saying all of these things, and then taking it back? Exploiting his relationship with Courtney and hurting their poor daughter in the process. I don't understand why people are so quick to bash their ex's and disregard their children. The kids should always come first, and that seems to rarely be the case. I am not a child of divorced parents, but I do have friends with divorced parents. And just because their parents are divorced, doesn't mean that they haven't been able to be in successful relationships. I think it's better to show your children that it's important to find happiness in your life, than to stay in an unhappy marriage for their sake. I have so many friends whose parents have gotten divorced as soon as all their kid's have graduated high school or gone off to college. Is this really their answer? To wait until their children are out of the house and then suddenly get a divorce? We aren't stupid, we understand that you stayed together just for us, and then got divorced as soon as we were all gone.

More people should listen to your advice Hot Mama, and get out of their unhappy marriages, while still protecting the most important thing, their children.
-Eager Beaver